Indescribable
by myloyaltiesliewithHP
Summary: Lily discovers what it is, that indescribable emotion.


**The three broomsticks was packed with students that Saturday. It was a Hogsmeade weekend, one that had presented itself after a whole month, and the young witches and wizards of Hogwarts were making the best of it. People went about in groups with their friends, or as couples, cooped up in a corner of this little pub, or at Madam Puddifoot's. Zonkos was nearly bursting as kids roared with laughter at its newest release, mirth shifting through the haze of darkness that had been the atmosphere in their school lately.**

 **Lily sighed she waited for her date to bring back their drinks. Her fingers tapped the table, a sign of restlessness that was uncanny for the Head Girl, she was usually a picture of calm...well, most of the time. But right now, she couldn't help herself. The little pub had never seemed more crowded and her eyes fell on quite a certain number of sweethearts who took PDA a tad too seriously.**

 **She wanted to gag.**

 **No, this was** _ **not**_ **her idea of a date, sitting in an overcrowded pub with no way to have a conversation, she couldn't hear herself think over the din. But Jared had been such a darling, stammering and blushing lightly as he asked her to spend that day with him, and she didn't have the heart to say no. He was a good guy, with messy black hair and brown eyes and a charming smile. He even had dimples. Besides, Alice was going to be with Frank and Marlene had her hands full with Diggory, so she didn't really know why she should say no. Lily had needed the break, she needed to get out, have some fun, let herself be carried away by teenage frivolity... But.**

 **But.**

 **Oh that** _ **annoying**_ **But.**

 **She growled to herself, earning her a few startled looks from nearby. Sighing, she adjusted her expression. Didn't want Jared to think he had spent the day with a raving lunatic, now would she?**

 **Or maybe that wasn't such a bad idea.**

 **Just as Lily was contemplating the pros and cons of getting Jared to lose interest in her, he came back, actually** _ **fought**_ **his way back, with two tall glasses of butterbeer in his hand. Setting them upon the table with a sigh, he smiled at her.**

 **She returned it smoothly.**

" **Rough time?"**

" **Oh it was quite an experience," he grinned now, sitting down opposite her," Too crowded, this place."**

" **Uhm-Hmm... Just like all the other places we went to, "Lily rolled her eyes," Its impossible to find a free space in Hogsmade these days. Always so bloody crowded."**

 **She mentally slapped herself as Jared looked mildly startled at her swearing. It wasn't even a proper swear, but it wasn't something people expected from** _ **Lily Evans.**_

 **They didn't know her at all.**

 **And just like that, she realized the whole thing was pointless. This wasn't a date. There was no chemistry, no spark, no actual interest on her part. She had been trying it out, hoping something would happen but noooo. She knew she was being unfair, using poor Jared to get a measure on her feelings but she couldn't bring herself to even pretend to like him.**

 **His eyes were the wrong shade of brown, his hair wasn't messy the right way. And he didn't have that annoying,** _ **infuriatingly**_ **roguish** __ **smile. Her heart didn't leap out of her chest at his look, his touch did nothing to her stomach. And he didn't** _ **know**_ **her.**

 **No, Lily was simply here with the wrong person.**

 **She conversed with him mutely, nodding in the right places, smiling here and there. And as time passed, her agitation only increased and she began to notice things she shouldn't. Jared had the wrong look in his eyes, no passion, not the way he should be looking at her, something was off about it. He was too polite, too nice, too calm. Bloody hell, even his name was wrong!**

" **Lily?"**

" **Hmm?"**

" **I just asked you a question."**

" **Oh." She shook her head slightly, mentally giving herself another slap,** _ **wake up Lily!**_ **and collected her thoughts," I'm sorry. What were you saying?"**

 **Jared sighed, a weary smile on his lips. Now** _ **that**_ **expression looked familiar on his face. "You don't want to be here at all, do you?"**

" **W-what?"**

" **You," he pointed at her," aren't really here, with me. You're mind is preoccupied, Lily."**

 **She blinked, then took a sip of her butterbeer. It tasted like mud. "I'm just stressed, you know. With everything that's happening."**

 _ **Oh wonderful, Lily. Blame Voldemort for your lovesick state of mind, go ahead.**_

 **But surprising her, Jared shook his head. "No, no. Its not the outside world that's bothering you." He smiled at her. " I'm not stupid, I know you're not interested in me the way I am in you."**

 **Lily felt a touch of panic in her stomach, why, she didn't know. "Oh Jared, that's not—"**

" **Spare me, Lily." He grinned wearily again, and she closed her mouth and sank back, swallowing. His slightly accusing gaze was wrong as well, it shouldn't be toned down like that to not hurt her. It should come out with full force, bearing down on her for the wrong thing she did. But it didn't.**

 **The Three Broomsticks was suffocating.**

 **Jared got up and then shook her hand cordially. " Well, I did have a nice time. And I hope we can be friends. But why don't you go and find the** _ **other**_ **black haired brown eyed male your mind is on? And just snog him senseless already, its getting tiring, all this nonsense. " he winked at her and she gaped at him.**

" **See you Lily."**

 **She must've muttered a goodbye. She couldn't remember. Lily would learn later that Jared had obviously known, but just asked her out anyway, just for the sake of it. He knew her a little better than she thought.**

 **The whole school did, apparently.**

 **And that was how she got up, and squeezed herself out of the overcrowded pub, tossing Jared a smile on the way, on her way to find this** _ **other**_ **boy and do exactly what Jared had said.**

 **That's what she would like to say, but unfortunately, she didn't have it in her.**

 **Lily trudged back to the castle, bundled in her mittens and muffler and sweater, bowing her head against the snowy wind in her path. It was as if the wind was blocking her way back, but she pushed on, thinking of a nice hot bath in her own bathroom, then curling up by the fire in the Head's common room, complete with a cup of hot chocolate and a book. She thought absently of what Marlene and Alice were doing now, and then snorted, dismissing the thought. Probably something she** _ **shouldn't**_ **be thinking about. Lily was craving her alone time, just her and a book. But as luck would have it, she opened the door to the dorm she shared with the Head Boy and found him sprawled on the couch, working on something.**

 **And indescribable emotion burst inside her, flowing through her entire being, pushing her heart out of her chest.**

" **Lily?"**

 **And despite the warmth in their common room, she shivered at his voice. She loved the way he said her name, loved that he was looking surprised at her early arrival, his face carefully guarded. She liked the unruly price of hair falling on to his face, and the twinkle in his hazel eyes as he sat up to take her in. She shivered again.**

 **His eyes were** _ **exactly**_ **the right shade if brown, his hair was messy just the right way, and he was currently wearing that annoying,** _ **infuriatingly**_ **roguish smile that had her stomach swoop down into her lower abdomen. Something pulled at her, an unmistakable tug in her chest, as he leaned back against the couch, looking horribly relaxed and mirthful. Confident. Arrogant.**

 **James Potter was about to be the death of her.**

 **Oh God, now** _ **that**_ **was the right name.**

" **James." She acknowledged, removing her mittens and muffler and all that, just for something to do. Lily didn't expect to run into him so soon. She needed time to collect herself.**

" **You're back early."**

" **I suppose."**

" **Why?"**

 **His blunt question lit the fire in her stomach and she glared at him. "Ever heard of tact, Potter?"**

" **Ever heard of a bad date, Evans?"**

 **Her blood boiled. That infuriating, arrogant,** _ **annoying**_ **prick! "Watch it, James. Don't make me hex you."**

 **But that arrogant biscuit only smiled at her. " Ah, Lily. When will you learn? You're threats mean nothing to me."**

 **She pulled out her wand and pointed it at him, green eyes livid at his widening smile. It was all his fault, all this** _ **nonsense. He**_ **was the one who went and did this to her, making it** _ **impossible**_ **to date other guys,** _ **unbearable**_ **to see him with other girls.** _ **He**_ **turned her into this...this jealous, moody, lovesick** _ **monster.**_ **He took away her ability to be practical, fuelled her temper, reached inside and ripped her heart away, then trampled on it like a sodding** _ **sadist,**_ **and kept quiet the entire time.**

 _ **He**_ **made her blush, stammer, fix her hair for** _ **no bloody reason,**_ **and then pretended not to notice. But she knew he saw through her facade as easily as he flew on the Quidditch pitch. And did absolutely** _ **nothing**_ **about it.**

 **Damn James Potter and his ability to make her feel like she was unimportant.**

" **Keep your big mouth shut if you know what's good for you." She growled, indignant as he nonchalantly got up and made his way towards her. His steps were slow and deliberate, and she knew her face was flushed. But she'd be damned if she let him play with her today. Lily had had** _ **enough**_ **. And James was going to** _ **pay**_ **.**

" **Put that thing away, Lil. You might poke someone."**

" **That's the point you git," she snarled, " Get out of my sight."**

" **Tut, Tut." He shook his head, now merely a few feet in front of her. "You should talk to your friends like that, Lily. Fiery today, aren't we?" Lily felt her heart beat increase, adrenaline coursing through her veins, her eyes burned with unreasonable anger, and she saw the emotion reflected in his. What for, she didn't understand.**

" **How was your** _ **date**_ **?" James halted, barely an arms distance away, and crossed his arms, "Jared, was it?"**

" **What's it to you?" she growled.**

" **Hmm... What** _ **is**_ **it to me?" he pretended to think, but the tension in his jaw and the fire in his eyes mixed with bitterness gave him away," Maybe the fact that this is the** _ **third**_ **boy you've been hanging out with this month."**

" **So?"**

" **So!? So I can't have the Head Girl going around snogging random people just because she's too stubborn to—"**

" _ **You**_ **can't have?!" her voice rose in loudness and pitch ," How is that** _ **your**_ **responsibility?! How dare you even think about berating me when you throw girls around like** _ **tissue?!"**_

 **The fire in eyes became more tame, calm, but dangerous. She stifled a scream of frustration. James took another step closer, now just a feet away, voice scarily soft" Name** _ **one**_ **girl I've gone out with since last month. Try it."**

 **Lily swallowed, eyes stinging suddenly. She didn't want to fight right now, but she couldn't back down when he was being so upfront about it. This would end in an ugly,** _ **hurtful**_ **few weeks of ignoring each other until one of them decided to swallow their pride. Again.**

" **No answers? Wow." He scoffed, "For a guy who uses girls like tissue, I haven't been very active this year, have I? Or are you just pretending not to know because you pretend not to care?" he took another step closer and Lily swallowed again, hating the way her entire body was on fire, hating the way her stomach rolled and heartrate skyrocketed. Hating the way her fingers itched to run through his hair. She wanted none of this. Lily Evans was** _ **not**_ **supposed to have fallen for James Potter.**

 **But life is cruel sometimes.**

 **And then she trembled as he reached out to brush a lock of crimson hair away from her face, his hazel eyes specked with a lovely gold in the firelight, looking strangely haunted. Her skin burned at his touch. And she felt her eyes sting again.**

" **You see Lily," he murmured, still in that dangerously quiet mood," I don't go about looking for substitutes because I** _ **know**_ **what I want, just like you. But while you choose to run away, I've decided to face it. "**

 **She mutely gazed, wide eyed as he took another step closer, drawing confidence from her reaction to his touch. There were barely a few inches left between them. And as much as she wanted to close it, she was too scared. Too terrified of the thought of being with** _ **him**_ **because he elicited such passion from her, such intensity, such depth, that she knew she'd be shattered if something went wrong, and with the way they clashed, disagreements were inevitable. It could break her.**

 **It was too risky.**

" **Now why don't you really tell me how the date with the substitute went? Because I'm all ears." His eyes glinted, slightly menacing, "Do explain."**

 **She shook her head. Throat too clogged up to say anything, mind too befuddled by him to think.**

" **Was it bad?"**

" **The worst." She said thickly, surprising even herself.**

" **Then why do you keep doing this Lily?" her name a soft caress from his lips, just like the thumb he was running along her jaw" Why do you keep running away?"**

 **And then Lily realised she was the own cause of her misery.** _ **She**_ **trampled upon** _ **her own**_ **heart like a bloody sadist. She did this to herself.**

" **Too risky." She croaked, finally,** _ **finally**_ **looking up to meet his smouldering gaze. She felt her knees tremble under his intense look, heart nearly skidding to a stop as he tilted her face up, and rested his forehead on hers lightly. Entranced, by his scent, by the look in his eyes,** _ **exactly**_ **the way she wanted to be looked at, she tilted her head and the tips of their noses touched. He smiled that smile again, roguish, dazzling, full of confidence and boyish mirth. The fire in his eyes danced brightly, the heat radiating from them warming her all the way down to her toes.**

 **And for the first time in her life, Lily melted.**

 **He leaned forward, tantalizingly close to her lips and she swallowed. "Do me a favour, love." His hand swept behind her neck and held it there, steady, "Take that risk, just this once."**

 **And then she breathed , "Okay." Because if the indescribably strong emotion that radiated from his eyes was any indication, backed up by that fire, Lily knew she wouldn't regret it.**

 **James smiled again, but this time, relief and joy overpowering the other emotions in his eyes. But that indescribable emotion he had always drowned her in when he lost his guard was back with full force. She watched as he sighed softly and did it** _ **again,**_ **running a thumb along her jaw and then down her neck, eyes darkening as her breath hitched. Then in one swift movement, his mouth crashed down on hers in a searing kiss.**

 **She curled her fingers in his hair, letting him kiss her, basking in the attention he was showering upon her, addicted to the feeling of being cherished. His lips moved softly against hers, first barely a whisper of a touch, putting a hook behind her navel and tugging violently for more, then with increased pressure, as he captured her lower lip in his and then ran his tongue along it, wetting the surface, heady at the taste of her.**

 **She moaned into his mouth. The sound ripped at his soul.**

 **He was being very gentle, barely scratching the surface of a** _ **real**_ **kiss but the emotions behind it, and just the heated touch of his mouth made her knees give way, and she felt him swiftly wrap an arm around her waist, and bring her closer. And instead to deepening that wonderful activity they were engaged in, he broke the delicious contact and grinned at her.**

 **That git.**

" **Lily," he sounded breathless, but his eyes glinted with amusement.**

 **She felt his erratic heartbeat under her slender fingers and felt her lips curve in feminine satisfaction. "James?"**

" **Go out with me?"**

 **And then she laughed, at his stupid question, at his attempt at humour, at the whole idiocy of the situation.**

" **Of course, I will. "**

 **Then he pulled her back in to the safe haven that was his mouth and continued to ravish her thoroughly, making up for the time lost in futile, meaningless fights and misunderstandings.**

 **...**

" **No, Lily-bean, that's not how you do my homework!"**

" **I'm not** _ **doing**_ **your homework for you Sirius! I'm just checking it for mistakes."**

 **Sirius Black rolled his eyes." Yes, but you're redoing the sentences I've done wrong. Which is like," he peered into the parchment," Once very two inches." Then he turned his sparkling eyes on her, full of mirth, and an indescribable emotion. "You might as well just write it for me."**

 **She glared at him. "** _ **No**_ **. Honestly, how are you going to pass if you won't even do your own little essay? Its nearly the end of school Sirius—"**

" **And my NEWTS don't matter much for what we're about to do does it?" He smiled at her cheekily but there was an underlying emotion in his eyes; fury, bitterness.**

 **Lily sighed. Remus patted her shoulder. "Its quite alright, Lily. You know Sirius is going to ace it** _ **without**_ **help anyway."**

 **She looked at the werewolf and saw it again, that indescribable emotion, in his gaunt eyes too. But she didn't understand what it was. It was similar to the one she saw in James and yet, worlds different.**

 **She realized it was love the moment she saw James's patronus.**

 **A stag and a doe.**

" **Soulmates, don't you think?", he wiggled his eyebrows at her and she smiled, " I should've known. Normal 17 year olds don't fall in** _ **love**_ **at such a young age! They lust after the woman they want!"**

 **Lily raised her eyebrows.**

" **Of** _ **course**_ **there was an element of that too, Lily. But really, it was mostly the other thing that led to this thing. You get it?"**

" **You have a way with words, Prongs." Sirius snorted and then wrapped Lily in his arms, covering her ears. " And don't use words like lust in front of her! You're going to corrupt this innocent soul."**

 **James snorted as Lily shoved Sirius away smiling," She's anything** _ **but**_ **innocent, Padfoot.** _ **Trust me**_ **."**

" **Ooooohhh! I sense a kinky story coming up!"**

 **And afterwards, when Lily had glued both their tongues to the roofs of their moths for being such** _ **boys,**_ **and then curled up in her bed, wrapped in James's arms tightly, she understood that indescribable emotion. It was the reason she was so worried about them, the reason she was shattered each time Remus lost himself after a particularly difficult transformation, the reason she just** _ **couldn't**_ **do without Sirius's happy go lucky attitude.**

 **The reason why she couldn't survive without James and the reason he showered her with that indescribable emotion all the time.**

 **Suddenly it** _ **wasn't**_ **so indescribable anymore.**


End file.
